People say so often that grief comes in waves. I personally don’t think that it does. My grief is always with me, it never leaves, and I never have to look for it. It’s always here beside me with everything that I do and everything that I think. There are no waves of grief. Grief is a constant in my life and it’s ever present. However, I think there are waves of happiness and joy and moments of where these other things in life overshadow the presence of grief, until it decides to take over again. The waves aren’t the grief, but the moments of everything else. These waves will become larger over time I’m sure but grief doesn’t diminish or go away. It transforms itself, sure, but it never leaves. We smile again and laugh and have moments of joy but those times come at random and it’s different for everyone.

I remember I didn’t smile or laugh for a long time after my son, Leland, passed away. I had my son, Logan, and my husband, Timmy, to help me through those hard times. each year after his passing was so different. The first year was all the years of firsts. Holidays, birthdays, milestones, trips, everything. Even eating and showering were hard because of the guilt that can easily consume someone after a great loss. I didn’t do anything wrong but looking back at all the things I wish I had know and all the ways that I wish I had been able to save him. The first year was hard, the second year was harder, the third year was probably just as bad if not worse than the first, and then there was a year or two where I felt like I could breathe a little, then the milestone years would hit and knock me all the way back down. When he would have turned 10 and in double digits, when he would have started middle school, when he would have turned 13 and became a teenager, when he would have started high school, or gotten his learners license or started driving. The dances I see all of his friends going to and all of the things that he didn’t get to experience. Like even losing his first tooth. But my children and my husband allowed be to hurt and at the same time being what I needed. We had some smiles and laughs but it took some time for me to not feel guilty for having those moments. In the beginning, that guilt would rush in very quickly and take those moments and allow grief to show back up. But in time, those moments happened more and the guilt lessened.

I believe there are waves of emotions too. There’s no guide or rule book for grief and how to get through it. Everyone is different. Everyone’s loss is different. There’s no right or wrong way to process and try to get through loss. There’s no moving on or getting over it. The deeper the love, the deeper that pain and the deeper the grief. Grief is simply all the love we have to give that has nowhere to go. Our person who received all of that love is no longer here. Our love for them doesn’t stop, it builds up and reminds us of the person that we miss so much. Sure there’s so truth to the categories of grief that we all move through. But sometimes we don’t move through them one at a time. Sometimes we move through two or three at once and then we take a step back and go through ones we’ve already gone through. Sometimes we skip around and sometimes they go in a pattern. But they never leave and you never move on from all of them. I’ve been in the angry stage a few times since losing my husband. I only went through it once or twice after losing my son. I remember seeing other families with kids and it would break me. Why do they get to have their kid and I don’t? They aren’t even good parents and treat their kid poorly. They don’t care about their child the way that I cared about mine. Yep, all of those thoughts that go through our head that we normally wouldn’t think and aren’t even part of our character. Those thoughts that make us feel bad for thinking them and would never say out loud or tell anyone that we even thought them. But I’m here to tell them and let you know, those thoughts are normal. And they do diminish some over time. Like now, it’s been two months since losing my husband and I see other couples out and holding hands and looking happy and it hurts me to the core. Not because I don’t wish them happiness, but because it makes me remember what I had that was so perfect with Timmy and what I no longer have with him. The longing that I feel for his touch, to hear his voice, to smell him, to just be around him and feel his presence. And it hurts more when I see couples out and they are arguing or not being the kindest to each other. It makes me want to go over and tell them to be grateful they still have that person and to be a little kinder and understanding. They may not be here tomorrow.

Complaining is something that I just can’t deal with right now either. It’s something that makes me angry and I can’t do small talk. I don’t ever want to hear someone talk about their partner or say something that isn’t uplifting about them. The complaining makes me want to tell them to shut up because there are worse things in life than what they are complaining about. How I wish I had Timmy here to tell me I was doing something stupid or to just have him get on my nerves. I look back and I cherish every single moment with him, good, bad and in between. He and I had the perfect marriage and never fought and I’m so incredibly grateful for that.

I’m in the angry phase and the lonely phase at once right now. The anger rushes in when I struggle to do something, when I think about how unfair it is that he isn’t here, and when I have to ask someone for help. Timmy and I did everything on our own and never asked others for help. That’s just how we were. One of the hardest things right now for me is having to ask other people for help. Some people aren’t reliable and thats hurtful obviously, but just having to ask is hard. And then when they help, especially men, it hurts even more because now I’ve had to rely on someone other than my husband to help me. And no one is going to do the things he did and how he did them. I’m so very grateful for the help but at the same time I wish I didn’t need it.

And the lonely phase is something I don’t think many people talk about. I’m not sure if it’s because it makes them uncomfortable or they are worried about what other people think, but I don’t have either of those issues. I don’t care what others think and I’m very honest in how I feel. The loneliness has been overwhelming. Timmy was so affectionate and touchy. That was his love language. We took a quiz at church one time and his first love language was touch and his second was quality time. My first was quality time. The amount of crying and longing that I have done for him and his touch has been the most significant. The intimacy we shared was more than just the sexual connection, it was sensual and it was a connection like no other. The touch of his hand across the small of my back or his grabbing my butt when he walked by while I was cooking dinner. His coming home after work and immediately coming to me and getting a hug, his always wanting to hold my hand when we were in the car together. All of that is gone and it is shattering. I miss all of it and being able to lay next to him in the bed and him keeping me warm after I touch him with my freezing hands and feet. I’m a researcher and despite doing counseling, I wanted to know more about the pain and anguish I was feeling. I couldn’t imagine anyone in the world ever feeling the way that I was feeling. It was too much to bear. I felt like I had died and that I just didn’t want to be here. I longed for him in every way. It wasn’t suicidal at all and I would never harm myself. But the pain was too much to handle. Why was I longing so much for his physical touch when he was so much more than that? Little did I know there’s a thing called Widow’s Fire. I will save you the details and allow you to look that up on your own if you wish. But it was exactly what I was feeling, and I still do. It’s a longing for that intimacy and it wasn’t just a longing with anyone, it was for Timmy. And it hurts even more knowing that I will never have that again with him. All of what we had and experienced together was all gone, and I wanted it with no one but him.

So as we go through these emotions, grief, and waves of smiling moments, we remind ourselves of what’s yet to come. People say there’s purpose for pain and all that goes along with that. Even if that may be true it’s not really helpful to hear it in the moment. And honestly, we will probably never know the reason some of us have to endure so much pain this side of heaven, and when we make it home and find out that reason, it won’t matter then. God only reveals to us what He wants to reveal. But I know that He hears me and He knows my pain. I tell myself that he knows the end of the story and as hard as it is, I’m doing my best to trust Him in the process. Please know that whatever you are going through, whatever pain or struggle you face, you aren’t alone. In fact, we can’t do any of it on our own. Sometimes that’s why God allows us to struggle, so that it forces us to rely on Him and in return glorifying what He’s done for us. Just know the thoughts you have, the feelings you feel, the struggles you face; they are all normal and you aren’t ever alone. Even when you feel completely abandoned, you aren’t. If you need someone to reach out to in the midst of your loss or if you need some encouragement, please reach out. I’m far from healed and may never be but I’m honest and I’m real. Jesus loves you and He’s with us, even when we don’t feel him. Cling to your hope and your faith. The enemy can’t win because the battle has already been won.