This may end up being one of my longer posts as I want to not only share our experience with our first trip as a party of three but also the tiny details of grief and life that others may not think about in order to bring awareness to the real. Most people probably think about the obvious stuff that would make us cry. Like going there in general, or riding Timmy’s favorite ride, or experiencing these things without him. But there is so much more to it. Things that may seem so small and that someone else may not even think about. So bear with me as the journey back through the events and thoughts of the past week.

So, I’ll go in order and start with the packing. We wouldn’t ever leave for vacation without cleaning the entire house first. Well, I wouldn’t. I always wanted to come home to a clean house and not have to do anything when I got back. Once I cleaned and forced the kids to help me after asking at least 267 times, it was then time to pack our stuff. Packing my things and the kids and not packing Timmy’s. Another void he’s left behind for us to feel. Loading up the luggage into the van and having a ton of extra space because it was only three of us with stuff in there. With so much space left, I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I was…my husband. He was supposed to go with us. His things were supposed to be in there as well.

As we load up, I have to get into the driver seat instead of the passenger seat. I have never driven more than probably two hours away on my own. I’m an excellent driver and the kids always told Timmy that they wanted me to teach them to drive when the time came because I was so much better at it. Whenever we would take these trips and have to drive far, I would never sleep. I would stay up and control the radio, be silly and sing all the songs because Timmy always said I know every word to every song and he knew none. We would stop and get coffee at least twice on the way down, sometimes 3 times, because Timmy liked to get up at the buttcrack of dawn and head down so we could be down there by lunch. If I’m in the car more than two hours, I get really tired. Doesn’t matter if I’m driving or riding. So I knew there would be coffee stops along the way. Stopping and ordering only one drink is yet another reminder of what we used to do and what I no longer have.

The last trip we took together as a family was camping at Cloudland Canyon and going to Ruby Falls and Rock City. We loved to camp in our RV and go to Universal. That’s what we did most often. Family time was of the most importance to both of us. On our way back home we stopped at Cracker Barrel to eat. That was the last place we ate at with Timmy. We only ever eat out on vacation or at his favorite local Mexican restaurant. So on the drive down to Florida this time, I cried every single time I saw a sign for Cracker Barrel. Another gut punch out of nowhere.

The drive was a long one where I listened to the Bema podcast because music just makes me cry too much. As we arrive at the hotel and park, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I made a seven hour drive alone with the kids, which was a huge accomplishment. But also, I’m looking at this resort hotel and remembering walking over to this one and eating in the food court area. I walk in and I’m greeted by the lady at the desk. I give her my ID and she repeats the reservation back to me and says “there’s three of you, one and adult and two children, is that correct?” As I choke over my own breath and hold back my tears I hesitantly say yes ma’am. I look around the hotel as she finishes checking us in and see the table in the eating area that we sat at the last time we were there. I remember the exact seat that Timmy say in and what he ordered to eat. I grab out room keys and head back to the van to park it in the parking deck. I load myself down with the suitcase and three bags while the kids grab theirs. I sit the cooler on top of my luggage and start to roll it to the elevator. This would have been so much easier with Timmy. Right as I finish that thought, my suitcase decides to take a tilt and fall over in slow motion right in the middle of the parking deck. Cooler hits the ground and water from the melted ice starts coming out everywhere. Tears fill my eyes as the kids watch me put all the bags down and lift it all back up. I gather the bags and head to the elevator. Which most of you probably don’t know but my husband was in the elevator trade for 19 years. Elevators are yet another trigger for tears.

We find our way to the room and get situated. Normally this is where Timmy turns the air in the room all the way down to Arctic temps and heads straight for the bathroom to break in the toilet. None of that happened. We sit silently, not really sure what it is that we are supposed to do next. We decide to take the elevator down to the lobby and grab some dinner. The elevator has a touch screen in it and I remember the first time Timmy worked on one of those because he came home and told me everything. I ordered what he ordered the last time we were there and it was so good. I remember we both ordered wok bowls but I tasted his and told him that it was better than mine and he offered to switch with me. He always did that, but I declined and said I would get it next time. Little did I know that I would be getting it alone next time. Trigger the tears in the restaurant.

It’s weird doing things without Timmy. He was always so fun and entertaining and had the best laugh. Every time we got in an elevator with him he would fart and then proceed to tell us about past elevators he had worked on. As soon as we got to our room there was a notification on the tablet that one of their elevators would be undergoing testing. I knew what that mean but I imagined Timmy explaining it all to us in much greater detail than we really needed. While we ate we sat where we sat with Timmy and the kids watched the robot move around. That thing would tell jokes and bring you food.

After we eat, we decide to head over to the parks by taking the beautiful walking path over there. This is something we always did with Timmy. We prefer to walk or to take the water taxis over. It was a strange feeling doing it without him there with us to make everything more fun. I’m much more somber than I ever used to be. Timmy and I were always on the same wavelength and we were honestly almost like the same person. We got someone to take our picture and we even stopped at the front of the park to take a selfie. This one was a hard one to take because we had a little secret that we kept as a family and never shared with anyone. We would always get to the parks early and stand in the line at the front so that we could make a mad dash to Hagrid’s since that is the longest line they have and it gets long quick. Universal always picks a family to open the park. They label them the honorary family. The perk of this is that they give you a ruby pass which allows you to skip the line at any ride one time. At the time, Hagrid’s did not have the express pass line (the shorter line with little to no wait). We have been chosen ten times to open the parks. We always joked this had to be some kind of world record. We have the pictures to prove it too. We always said it was either Logan’s glasses or Timmy’s lucky hat he always wore to Universal. This hat is so bright we always made him wear it so that we could always find him in a crowd. I told Logan that he could wear his dad’s hat but he didn’t want anything to happen to it. So I ordered him one while we were gone. Of course they no longer make them so I had to find a new one on ebay. He said it’s his new favorite hat and he’s going to wear it all the time.

Once we got into the park we went to the ride that Lana wanted to ride the most. It was one that Timmy hated. He couldn’t do a lot of the 3D rides with the screens because it made him motion sick. He would close his eyes on this one or just walk through the line with us and wait for us to get off. It was pretty emotional for Logan and I so this was literally the only ride that we did that day. When we got off of it we had to leave and head back to the hotel. It was so much of an overwhelming feeling that we couldn’t breathe. Of course Lana didn’t listen to me before we left the hotel and I honestly didn’t even look at her feet before we left but she had put her crocs on. So on the way back to the hotel I had to carry her on my back because her crocs had rubbed the skin off of her feet and they were now blistered and bleeding. This is the reason I don’t wear mine often and when I do I make sure I have socks on with them.

We decide to head to the pool the next day and get some vitamin D. This was a weird feeling. Putting on my bathing suit and going out in public without Timmy made me very uncomfortable. He was very protective of me and I felt so out of place. I took the kids the night before and actually didn’t get in. I sat there in my regular clothes while they played and made some friends in the pool. I don’t know what was going on with me but it was just one of those times I didn’t want to be where I was. I didn’t want to be anywhere. I sat looking at the pool slide that Timmy went down the last time we were there. I looked at all of the people that were there with their families and here I was with a broken one that had been knocked down to a smaller size more than once. I told you guys I would be sharing all of my thoughts and I’m about to share some that I’m not proud of but the crossed my mind while I was there. I saw all of these unhealthy people smiling and having so much fun with alcoholic drinks in their hands while their kids just ran around doing whatever they pleased. Here I am, having got myself healthy and my husband too, and he wasn’t here. We turned our lives around and were healthier than any of these people I saw and yet they still got to be here and Timmy didn’t. Seeing the other kids playing in the water with their parents and mine were there without one of theirs while the other one sat in the chair nearby crying. How is this my life? How is this the life that my kids now have to live? Trying our best to make the most of this crappy hand and living according to God’s ways, while other people just go with the flow and do whatever they want and not have an ounce of the pain that we now live with. I wasn’t comparing but I was observing and feeling sorry for myself and my kids. Looking at other people in a different way than I used to. Not out of judgement because Timmy and I never did that anyways, just merely seeing how God and the enemy work in different ways in our lives. These people may be having a good life here and never experience any pain, yet if they don’t know Jesus, this is all they get. This is the only happiness they will get to have and none of it compares to what God has waiting for us. My life has been full of loss and pain, yet I have the hope of eternity. I don’t know the stories of these people. They may have experienced loss and have found a way to move forward. I haven’t yet. I still don’t envy them though. They didn’t have Timmy, I did. And there’s no one like him and no any human better.

Water has always been a trigger for us since Leland passed away. We always make sure to check the water before getting into it. The first pool at the hotel we were staying at was way off so we went over to the hotel across the street and it was much better. This is where a lot of memories were for us. We watched several people go down the slide that Timmy did, but we stayed on the opposite side of the pool and just couldn’t go over there. Seeing the kids jumping in and not holding their noses is definitely something that makes me sad and makes me think about Leland a lot. Seeing my kids playing with other kids knowing that if Leland were here he would be in there teaching them all kinds of things. Including swimming, because despite my kids taking swim lessons and doing well in those, they are still not great swimmers and honestly love going to the pool but are scared of it at the same time. I see teenagers in there with their younger siblings and being mean to them or playing rough with them and it makes me wonder if Leland would be the same way or if he would still be his sweet loving self always wanting to help others. He was always so easy and gentle with Logan when he was a baby.

Dinner was a hard one as this is where we’ve eaten several times. It is located at our favorite hotel, Royal Pacific. It’s also where Timmy and I ate last year when we came by ourselves for our 18th wedding anniversary. That was the first time we had gone anywhere together since having kids. Our first solo trip and I’m so glad that we did. I cherish that and the memories we made so much more now. But this was hard. I’m sure you’ve seen posts about empty chairs at the holidays. This was a knock down for sure. As I sat there trying to eat with an empty chair staring back at me the entire time. The kids ate a decent amount of food but this is where Timmy would have told them it was dad tax time and finish off their fries. Instead we left with a plate full of fries still sitting there uneaten.

All of the memories come flooding back of all the past times that we shared here in Florida. The realization that we won’t make any new ones that still have Timmy and Leland in them. Going from a family of two, to three, to four, back to three, back to four and now back to three. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and hard times. Now navigating life and caring for the kids on my own is something I have no idea how to do without Timmy. He was my partner in everything and now I’m a solo act. It’s like starting over as a child and trying to learn to do everything all over again. I was so confident as a wife and a mother and just with everyday life, that now I have lost that confidence along with feeling safe and protected.

I made a long post on Facebook about something that hit me pretty hard when we got to the hotel room and I’ll share it here. It’s something that I feel very strongly about and there’s no real way to express how amazing Timmy was in the intimacy department. It’s something that I miss terribly and it’s not for the obvious reasons. It’s something that I shared with him and it was just something else that made our relationship perfect.

I’m going to talk about something many aren’t willing to. I’m not sure why but even I have been waiting to post about it. I’m honest and I want to share a side of loss that many don’t. The sexual and intimate side of marriage and what that means when you lose your person.

For Timmy and I it was more than just physical. Sure physical touch was his love language and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. But our relationship was so much deeper. Those intimate moments went beyond the physical for us, it was a deep emotional connection. Like our souls became one and intertwined. He and I were the perfect puzzle pieces that fit together immaculately. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I cry a lot every time I get in the shower for many reasons. The obvious ones and maybe the not so obvious ones. I am notorious for forgetting to grab a towel before I get in the shower. I can no longer yell “babe” for him to bring me one. He used to love it because he always came in there whether I needed a towel or not, to reach in and cop a feel or look in and sneak a peek. All of that is gone.

This hotel bathroom door may just seem like a door but for me it was thirty minutes of nonstop crying. Why? Because many hotels and resorts don’t have locks on the doors that go to the bathroom. They just have doors that slide closed and don’t actually lock. When traveling I wouldn’t dare do things in the bathroom if the kids were traveling with us and the doors didn’t lock. I just wouldn’t take the chance of a kid not listening and walking in. When I saw this door I immediately thought how Timmy would love this hotel because the bathroom door had a lock. Then all of the absence of his touch and everything that is no more came flooding in hard. Widow’s fire is a real thing and I don’t think it ever gets better. I miss everything about Timmy but this part is so incredibly hard.

I always wear his shirts to sleep in and they no longer smell like him. They smell like me. I spray his cologne on them at night. So nights are hard for many reasons. Showers are hard. Doing things without him are hard. The past memories are hard. The new memories without him are hard. Breathing is hard. Literally everything. I wish I had something spiritual or encouraging to attach to this but all I can say is that if your marriage is missing the intimacy, something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Don’t take that for granted and work on whatever needs to be worked on. I can say that I have no regrets in the marriage and love that I shared with Timmy. It was absolutely perfect. He was perfect and he was perfect for me. I’m thankful I had him and all he had to offer, I just wish we were given more time here.

At this point we haven’t even made it to the parks for the after hours event that we are here for. The one that Timmy and I went to the year prior for our anniversary. The one that we had done many times prior and Timmy said it was the best way and the only way he ever wanted to do the parks again. I’m already mentally and emotionally drained. I’m exhausted and just surviving on Jesus and coffee from the Starbucks in the hotel lobby. How I’m going to make it until 1:30 am the next two days is beyond me because grief is obviously exhausting mentally but when you have that much mental anguish it will start to affect your sleep and take a toll on your body physically too. Every single moment of every single day, there’s something that reminds me of Timmy. Most of my life has had him in it. I barely remember my life before him and I don’t want to. I don’t want to imagine my life in the future without him either.

So for the after hours event we met up with some friends who came down a couple of days after we did. My kids were so upset that we were an odd number now and that the rides would be uneven and someone would have to ride alone. Timmy always rode with Lana and I always rode with Logan. They love roller coasters just as much as Timmy and I but they like to have an adult with them. I guess they always felt safe with one of us around. Despite my telling them that I would ride alone, they didn’t want that. I’m so thankful for Rachel and Michael and their daughter Gracelyn for being so willing to just agree without hesitation to come down here with us. They’ve gone with us before and have often said it was the best trip they could have ever taken and they had a ton of fun. It was different this time. All of us being down there and not looking for that bright hat above the crowds, Having that void in our existence and on the rides. The line waiting was by far the hardest as there wasn’t that excitement and laughter that Timmy brought with him. He was always the life of the party and what made every trip worth taking. He was the vacation. He WAS the fun. He was everything. His absence was felt so strongly.

The night started out with Lana having a melt down and crying for about 30 min uncontrollably. She wouldn’t talk and just wanted to be left alone. It was so bad I almost just grabbed her and took her back to the hotel. When we initially arrived at the event and was waiting to enter the park, the live entertainment played Wagon Wheel. Those that have followed us since we lost Leland, know that was his favorite song. Logan had learned to play it on the guitar and was going to surprise Timmy with it, but never got to play it for him. So my amazingly talented and brave children played it for him for the first time at his funeral service on stage. Immediately after that song they played Sweet Home Alabama. Timmy was a Skynyrd fan most of his life. Needless to say I’m standing in the middle of a couple hundred people crying my eyes out while my child is crying loudly on the floor at the same time. Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling in that moment. Knowing that people were looking and not understanding why I’m at such a fun and happy place crying.

Timmy’s favorite ride was E.T. That movie came out in 1982, which is the same year that Timmy was born. He loved that movie too and the ride itself is pretty ordinary but the nostalgia that comes with that ride is something that can’t be matched. There’s a smell that comes along with it too. Those that have been to Universal Studios and ridden that ride know exactly what I’m talking about. When walking the cue to get to the ride, you have to stop and tell them your name because at the end E.T. Will say your name. So when we rode it this time the adults said their name was Timmy and Lana said her name was Leland. Logan kept his name. He’s been having a hard time with everything including talking about Timmy and even saying his name. I think I may be the only person that has cried on that ride. There were signs everywhere that God was sending us to show us that Timmy and Leland are safe with him. The room key that they gave me at the hotel was ET. Lana and I each bought an ET shirt while we were there too.

Leland’s favorite movie was JAWS and it’s the 50th anniversary of that movie. So there was so much JAWS stuff everywhere. Timmy always found comfort in seeing all the stuff from the movie so I know that he would have loved this trip. I bought a little ET and a little shark that I will put in my vehicles and be sure to take with me everywhere. Timmy loved JAWS too but for a different reason. Leland loved it because he absolutely loved great white sharks. Timmy loved it because one of his favorite movie quotes is in that movie. He always repeated it back to me every chance he got. “Wanna get drunk and screw?” The sheriff’s wife asked him that after he had been through a tough day with shark attacks at Amity beach. Needless to say JAWS has a special place in my heart.

As we walk around, whether through the hotels, in the cue lines, the walking path, in the parks or just anywhere, I find myself looking for all the memories we shared with Timmy. Entering the parks where we took the honorary family pictures. Seeing all the places to eat and remembering going there, where we sat and what we ate. Seeing the rides he loved and the ones he hated. Seeing the benches where we sat to take a rest or get out of the sun. Walking through the lines and remembering waiting there with him, the wall that he leaned on, the handrail that he touched, the seat he sat in, all of it. You’re probably wondering if the picture of the trash can is an accident. It’s not. After we rode Velocicoaster for the first time we went right over to a kid roller coaster called Flight of the Hippogriff. Timmy felt sick that entire ride and as we were pulling back in he turns around to me and says I think I’m about to puke. I told him he better hold it in his mouth until we got off. This is the famous trashcan that he puked in before running to the bathroom and puking again. Velocicoaster turned out to be one of our favorite rides and he never got sick again. He always joked he got sick on the kiddie coaster when it was really that big one.

Each of these things is another reminder and another tear that falls from my face. Throughout all of these moments and conversations with the kids and our friends, there’s a silent movie that plays over and over in my head. In between the memories that flood back from when we were there, so does the memory of the events of that dreadful day. The day i so very suddenly lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my everything. It plays over and over in my head and I try to push it out but it just doesn’t leave. I think throughout all of that the question that pops into my head is the same one that popped in it a lot after losing my son and still does. Now I not only think about it with Leland but also with Timmy. What was he thinking in that moment that everything happened? Was he scared? Did he know he was dying? It all happened so quick so did he even have time to know what was happening? Could they each hear me when I was talking? What about Timmy when I was screaming and crying out to God and trying to save him? SO much unknown and so much pain. The questions we have will never get answered until He calls us home and then the answers won’t matter.

We have had lots of firsts already and we will have many more. This one was a hard one. I knew that it would be hard to be back there but I didn’t realize just how hard it was going to be for all of us. We enjoyed the rides and the foods that Timmy loved. We spent time together as a family and with some our best friends. There are so many good things I can say about the Lopez family but one of the most important is that they are present. They don’t have the words or the right things to say, no one does. They don’t try to tell us what we need to do or how we should be acting. They don’t make comments that cause harm even though they may be well intended. They are simply there, and that’s what we need. The ones that will just show up and know that it’s going to be uncomfortable yet still love us. Listen to our darkness and the things that others may be too scared to say. They show up with no expectations and no judgement when we break or when we say sad things or get angry. They show us grace and patience and don’t try to understand any of it. They are just present. There’s no answers to the questions we have, there’s no fix for our pain, all we need is presence and they have given that willingly. They remember Timmy. They say his name. They talk about him and do things in his honor. Another ride that Timmy liked was Dr. Doom’s Fearfall. I am a roller coaster junkie and love the speed and the flips but I absolutely despise free fall rides. When we went down last year for our anniversary, Timmy asked me to ride it with him so I could say that I had ridden every ride there. I told him I would and that it would only be this one time and I would only ever ride it with him. When we got off that ride, I told him he is the only person who could have ever gotten me on that and that he was the only one I would ever ride it with but also that I was never riding that ride again. He laughed and said well I’m proud of you and now you can say there’s no ride here that you haven’t been on. When we went the last time with the Lopez’s Rachel was nervous to ride it so Timmy said he would go ride it with her and her daughter. So this trip she and Gracelyn rode in honor of Timmy. She asked me if I wanted to do it to remember Timmy and I said no because I told him he was the only one I would ever ride it with. I will keep that promise and I’ll never ride it again.

As they rode that ride I sat at the bottom and bawled my eyes out. I share all of this not only to show others what torments someone on the inside even though they may look like a normal functioning human on the outside, but to also show that despite how much pain and anguish we walk around with, we are also walking with Jesus. We can let the thoughts of “why” linger knowing we will never get the answer, or we can let them come and go as they please. Because they always will. We left some cards at the restaurants and some ducks on some cars along the drive and in the parking deck. I listened to my podcast on the way back home and stopped to get coffee and cried yet again. Sometimes there’s a reason for the tears and sometimes it’s just the pain of the broken heart that brings them about. I left a little something for the housekeeping like we always did but this time it had a card with it. This week was also the week that they came to pick up Timmy’s work truck. As we pull up at the house and proceed into the driveway, there’s yet another void, making his absence all the more real. I’m still struggling to see that this is my reality and that he isn’t here. My heart knows that he’s gone but my brain just isn’t allowing me to process it. This trip, every conversation, every happy moment with the kids, every meal, every moment of every day, I’m sad. I’m sad all the time, even when I smile. Sadness isn’t depression, it’s not something that medication will fix. Nothing can bring him back. That’s the only thing can fix this. My sadness is grief, it’s longing for what once was and the dreams that we had planned together, wishing for a future that will no longer take place, and longing for my eternal home. I’m not depressed, I’m broken and sad and I have to feel every bit of this in order to allow God to work in me and through me, to share and help others along the way.

I made a few posts on social media while we were away and I encourage everyone to go read those and follow. I saw a reel just by chance while at the hotel that really shook me to the core. I wake up daily and have to choose faith. I have to allow God to come and get me out of the bed and keep me moving. This reels says “why doesn’t God always heal?” It then goes into a scene from the TV show The Chosen, which is one of my absolutely favorites. Jesus is talking to little James and asks him, “Do you want to be healed?” James responds with, “yes, why haven’t you?” Jesus says, “because I trust you…I could heal you right now but there are already dozens that can tell that story and there will be hundreds more even thousands but think of the story that you have, especially in this journey to come if I don’t heal you, to know how to proclaim that you still praise God in spite of this to show people that you can be patient in suffering here on earth because you know you’ll spend eternity with no suffering. So hold on a little longer and when you discover yourself finding true strength because of your weakness and when you do great things in my name in spite of this, the impact will last for generations.”

Here are a few videos of Timmy enjoying Universal over the years. A little glimpse into who he was. He had the greatest laugh and sense of humor. He was genuine and didn’t care what anyone else thought. He was known for awesome dad jokes. He wasn’t ashamed of farting and we had many conversations over the years about bowels and bodily functions. You can see a little of his perversion with me in the one video. He and I always made comments like that to each other and it’s honestly one of the things I miss the most.